Meaningless
by B0gw0ppit
Summary: Wendy couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Had it really all been meaningless? Wedges
1. Chapter 1

Title: Meaningless

Author: B0gw0ppit

Rating: M

Summary: Wendy couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Had it really all been meaningless? Wedges

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dreams, my dog and my VW camper

Spoilers: A couple of small season 8 spoilers, but nothing plot-ruining at all.

Author's Note: Just to warn you, this isn't your usual Wedges fluff. It does get quite angsty so if you like the cuddly bunny fics about this pair, or if you are offended by talk about abortion don't read. For the purpose of this fic Jacqui is still working in the crime lab, and has kids. Not sure if she really does because I haven't seen every single episode, but she does here.

Inspired by the awesome Magnetic Fields song 'Meaningless'

_Meaningless?  
You mean it's all been meaningless?  
Every whisper and caress?  
Yes yes yes it was totally meaningless_

_Even less  
A little glimpse of nothingness  
Sucking meaning from the rest of this mess  
Yes yes yes it was thoroughly meaningless_

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Oh no. No no no no...

Wendy stared at the thin blue line wavering before her eyes unbelieving, a wave of panic welling up inside and threatening to drown her. Drowned in her own bathroom by an invisible wave... now wouldn't _that_ be a way to go... The young woman couldn't even crack a smile at that thought though, so shocked was she at the outcome of the pregnancy test. When the hell had she gotten so unlucky? One time, just _one_ time and this had to happen, and with... _him_ too. What the hell had she done to deserve this?

Who could she tell? She had to talk to someone, had to let out all this pent up fear that was choking her. She frantically looked around, not knowing what to do next, and jumped a mile when her cell rang.

_Jacqui..._

Yes. Jacqui. The older woman had always been something of a surrogate mother to Wendy, her own parents being way up in New England where her father worked. Jacqui would understand, and more importantly, wouldn't laugh... would she? Oh, who was she kidding? Who _wouldn't_ laugh when they heard who the father of this unwanted new life was? Heck if it wasn't so damned terrifying she would laugh herself!

"Hi Jacq," she spoke brightly into the tiny phone, pleased that she sounded so normal.

"What's wrong?" came the sharp reply, and Wendy knew she was busted. That woman had the intuition of a psychic.

"Oh God Jacqui can you come over?" she begged, knowing there was no point trying to hide it. "I've done something really stupid."

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Ten minutes later her intercom buzzed, and Wendy looked up, surprised, from the nervous tidying she was doing. Jacqui must have flown to get here that fast.

"Ok, spill!" the older woman demanded the minute she walked through the door.

She dumped her bag and car keys on the glass topped table, and perched herself up on one of the two bar stools that graced the small but neat kitchen.

Wendy looked at her, eyes red-rimmed from the tears she hadn't been able to stop herself from shedding. Her life was ruined. She couldn't bring up a kid, she didn't have the first clue about kids. Her friend watched her steadily, head tilted to one side, then she held out her arms. Wendy gave her a small, watery smile of gratitude and went to her, hugging tightly as though her life depended on it.

"A man?" Jacqui asked softly, her voice full of concern.

Wendy nodded silently against her shoulder, sniffing.

"I've been so stupid," she repeated her words of earlier on the phone, unable to get any further into an explanation. What did she say? How did she begin?

"How stupid?" the older woman asked hesitantly, stiffening a little as she brought Wendy away from her, holding her by the shoulders to look knowingly into her eyes.

Wendy sniffed again, and gulped, looking away at the floor. She shrugged, then took a deep breath, pulling out of the other woman's gentle grasp to lean against the other stool.

"I'm pregnant," she mumbled, still unable to look Jacqui in the eye as fresh tears began to leak unasked for from the corners of her brown eyes.

"Uhuh," came the reply, and Wendy's eyes shot up to catch the knowing look in the wise gaze of her friend.

"You _knew_?" she asked incredulously, mouth hanging open in shock. "How?"

Jacqui smiled, and shrugged.

"I have kids sweetie, a mother knows these things." She reached over to squeeze the young woman's knee in a comforting gesture, and passed her a Kleenex. "I take it from your red eyes this isn't exactly welcome news?"

Wendy shook her head, fiddling with the Kleenex, tearing it up into tiny shreds with shaking hands.

"Can I ask who the father is?" Jacqui continued softly, tipping her head further to try to catch Wendy's gaze as the young woman looked studiously at the black and white checkered linoleum.

Wendy refused to look her in the eye, and Jacqui began to worry. She had just reached the conclusion that the poor girl must have been raped by some thug and hadn't dared to report it when Wendy spoke up, although Jacqui could hardly catch what she said. The young woman whispered her reply quickly before she could lose her nerve, because Jacqui would get it out of her eventually anyway, so she might as well tell her straight away and get it over with.

To her surprise and annoyance Jacqui blew out a short breathy laugh. She shot her an angry frown.

"Sorry honey," Jacqui placated her. "But for a minute there you'll never guess who I thought you said."

Wendy raised her head and looked her square in the eye.

"David Hodges?" she asked, her voice stronger now.

Jacqui laughed.

"Yeah..." she began, then stopped mid-chuckle, her face dropping as she saw the look on the girl's face. "Oh. My. God. No way..."

Wendy looked at her steadily, defying her to laugh again, until Jacqui knew she had to be telling the truth. After all, who would _joke_ about a thing like that?

"But... how? When?" she stuttered eventually, looking at Wendy as though she was mad.

And maybe that was what she did think, after all, Wendy would have thought the same if anyone told _her_ they'd slept with the nerdy trace tech.

"The Christmas party," she admitted, shrugging and looking away again before looking back quickly. "It was only once, and I was drunk. We both were..."

"Oh my God, I remember!" Jacqui cried, slapping her hand to her mouth as she stared at Wendy wide-eyed. "You two both disappeared round about the same time now I come to think of it. You were gone for, like, an_ hour_ or more..."

She stopped, fixing her friend with an incredulous look.

"Hodges can _last_ that long?"

Wendy narrowed her eyes and gave her a withering glare. Jacqui held up her hands.

"Ok ok, I get it, serious. Right."

She took a deep breath in to compose herself, still unable to believe it. Sure, Hodges had always had a thing for Wendy but... She gave a little grimace and shuddered at the thought.

"So, what happened?" she asked, unable to stop the eternal thirst for knowledge even in light of her friend's anguish.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Meaningless - Chapter 2

Author: B0gw0ppit

Rating: M

Summary: Wendy couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Had it really all been meaningless? Wedges

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dreams, my dog and my VW camper

Spoilers: A couple of small season 8 spoilers, but nothing plot-ruining at all.

Author's Note: Hodges isn't the only insecure one. Wendy is a bit insecure herself about her looks. I think maybe she had spots and greasy hair at school, and puppy fat, so her self-image is a bit out of kilter.

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The office Christmas party... an excuse for everyone to be who they really were, or weren't, for one night in the year, to throw off the tension that every day in the crime lab brought, and to enjoy themselves without fear of a case suddenly sending them into a new frenzy. Swing shift were handling the labs, their party had been the week before, so lab rats and CSIs alike were free.

Wendy sat at the bar, nursing her fifth Vodka and Coke, and indulged in her favorite pastime - watching Nick Stokes. He was her guilty secret, her little indulgence, the one crush that she would never divulge anyone, not even Jacqui. Just_ look_ at him, who wouldn't love that guy? Tall, dark, handsome, strong and silent, with a brooding quality that had women flocking to him in droves. And therein lay the problem. Nick Stokes could have any woman he wanted. Why would he ever look at Wendy?

She sighed, and looked away as the object of her dreams confidently approached Sasha in Accounts with a glass of wine in one hand and a beer in the other. She was perfect, like him. Tall, blonde, leggy, busty... Wendy glanced down mournfully at her own breasts encased in black lace and red satin. What was it that Hodges had called them... perfectly adequate? Yeah, that would be right - adequate, not perfect though, not like Sasha's. Compared to that blonde bombshell's bazookas her's were like two fried eggs. That would be the reason Nick had smiled at her indulgently earlier, smiled but nothing else when she had approached him brushed her hand seductively along his arm. He had gorgeous arms... muscular and tanned... Hadn't he realized just what it had taken her to do that? Didn't he know that he was supposed to take her in those arms and whisk her away to his bed for an unforgettable night of passion? Obviously not, because he had merely smiled, and moved on to speak to Greg. Of all people, _Greg!_ Of course, Wendy Simms was not _au fait _with the minds of men. What _she_ didn't realize was that he had not a clue about the way she felt about him. Her hints were too subtle, and Nick was a simple man of few subtleties. For him to notice Wendy liked him she would have had to hit him over the head with a spade, much like Sasha from Accounts had. Well, not a spade exactly, and not over the head, but she _had_ made it very, very clear indeed as to what her intentions were, and a woman like Sasha was used to getting what she wanted.

"Hello Simms," a familiar smarmy voice cut through her thoughts, and she looked up. Think of the devil... not that she _had_ been thinking of him exactly... or at least only in a completely random, roundabout way... "And how are you and your two friends tonight? I have to say, red becomes them."

Hodges was obviously the worse for wear, a soppy grin plastered all over his face and a half empty whiskey glass in his hand as he leered at her boobs. Wendy practically snarled at him, in no mood for his clumsy attempt at flirting.

"Hodges," she snarled, "are all smart guys so damned creepy?"

If anything his grin widened, and he gave her that cute head-tilt, narrowing his eyes at her. She looked back at him steadily, a strange fluttery feeling in the pit of her stomach. She must have been_ really_ drunk, because she had to admit, he _did_ have beautiful eyes...

"There you go again," he said happily, ignoring her barbed comment, "calling me smart. Go on, admit it, you like me. I can tell. All that sexual tension between us, I can sense it you know."

She rolled her eyes, and glanced back toward Nick, who was about to guide Sasha out of the door. Bastard. Gulping down the rest of her Vodka Wendy turned back to Hodges, the drink going straight to her head. At least, that was her excuse for what happened next. Hodges was leaning toward her, that silly smirk still on his face, trying to get a closer look at her cleavage. He really did have the most beautiful eyes, even when they were slightly unfocused...

"Hodges, am I ugly?" she asked, noticing even as she spoke that her voice sounded a little... fuzzy.

He looked up at her face in surprise, and straightened up, almost falling off the stool on which he was perching so precariously.

"No..." he replied warily, sensing a trick question. You never could tell with women. They were always saying one thing and meaning another.

Wendy was looking at him expectantly, making him panic slightly. What did she want him to say? If he told her the truth, that she was beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, hot... would she punch him? But if he said she was... perfectly adequate... would that be wrong too? Oh God... He swallowed uncomfortably, his eyes automatically flickering down to her breasts again, not because he wanted to look at them... although obviously he_ did_ want to look at them... but not _because_ of that, just because if he kept looking into her eyes he might do something really stupid like kiss her, because he was drunk. Usually he would never even dream of kissing her... well, obviously he would_ dream_ of it... but wouldn't think about actually _doing_ it, because his rational mind would tell him, long before the thought crossed his mind, that to kiss her would be tantamount to chopping his own balls off, and even though they weren't likely to see any action any time this century with his track record, he would still really like to keep them if he could thank you very much.

David Hodges might act like an arrogant pig with an attitude, but deep down he was an insecure little boy desperate for love and knowing he was never likely to get it. He wasn't popular and funny like Greg, nor was he gorgeous and manly like Nick, he wasn't even enigmatic and mysterious like Grissom. And he never would be any of those things, so the likelihood of anyone falling in love with him was very slim. Add all that to the fact that he would never, ever, if he lived to be a hundred, understand women, and honestly, he had realized long ago that he was destined to live his life alone.

But today was the Christmas party, and if you couldn't let your hair down and make an idiot of yourself then, when could you? He had had a lot to drink, not so much as to be completely inebriated, but enough to bring down some of his carefully built defenses, defenses that he had nurtured over the years and fortified so that he would never again experience the pain of being in love. Because Hodges had been hurt, and badly, and he was damned if he was ever going to let anyone do it again.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," he blurted out before he could stop himself, blue eyes meeting brown as he flinched slightly, expecting the blow.

Wendy, for reasons not even known to herself, felt her heart flip as she met that ocean-colored gaze, a result perhaps of her bruised ego and those flattering words that any woman would appreciate hearing when she was thinking little of herself.

"Really Hodges?" she asked, leaning closer to him and resting her chin on her hand on the slippery surface of the bar. "You really think I'm beautiful?"

Hodges gulped nervously, still waiting for the punchline... literally, but his rational mind had long since retired to bed complaining of the noise, and so it was left to his instincts to act as they thought best. And best for any red-bloodied male animal was to get laid, obviously. He nodded, pouting a little as he dropped his gaze to her mouth for an instant before looking back deep into those bottomless brown eyes. He was way past the point of worrying about getting hurt now, his instincts placing him firmly in the moment and refusing to allow him to think about tomorrow.

"You're gorgeous, sexy... gorgeous..." he said, repeating himself, for once at a loss for verbal supremacy. "Perfect..."

Wendy smiled, and even while she was wondering how she had never noticed before what a beautiful mouth he had, she wasn't about to let him forget his _faux pas_ of a few weeks before.

"Perfectly adequate?" she murmured softly, and wondered how she had come to be this close to him, any nearer and she would be kissing those surprisingly sexy pouting lips...

Those lips turned up at one corner into Hodges' trademark smirk, and her heart flipped again. Why had she never noticed before that he was gorgeous?

"No," he replied, his voice husky, "not adequate, just perfect."

Wendy closed her eyes, and the next second his lips were on hers, and they were kissing hungrily, like drowning men gasping for air and each other's mouths were the oxygen they craved. Tongues flirted and teeth clashed, and arms and hands tangled as they tipped clumsily together. For what seemed like hours neither could bear to stop, and when at last they had to come up for air Wendy's hair was wild and Hodges' eyes had that glazed look of a man on drugs.

"C'mon," he panted, straightening up and grabbing her hand. "Let's get outa here."


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Meaningless - Chapter 3

Author: B0gw0ppit

Rating: M

Summary: Wendy couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Had it really all been meaningless? Wedges

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dreams, my dog and my VW camper

Spoilers: A couple of small season 8 spoilers, but nothing plot-ruining at all.

Author's Note: I think Wendy maybe used to be a bit of a geek herself, maybe at school she didn't fit in or have many friends. Now image has become really important to her, because for the first time she does have friends who like and respect her. She's not really a bitch, but she doesn't want to jeopardize what she has achieved.

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Wendy drifted back to the present, blinking in surprise to find she was still sitting in her kitchen with Jacqui avidly following her every word. For a minute there she was right back at the Christmas party, and wondered why she felt so sad when she remembered the feel of Hodges' lips on hers. It wasn't like she would ever want to do it again...

"Wow," breathed the older woman, mouth slightly open. "That makes Hodges sound almost _hot_. What happened next?"

Wendy gave her a small resigned smile as she got up to make more coffee, turning her back to her friend so that Jacqui couldn't see the confusion in her eyes. This was the first time she had allowed herself to think about that night in any detail.

"We went back his place," she began, forcing herself to drag the details back to the surface of her mind, even though they kicked and screamed all the way, knowing it would hurt.

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The more she got to know about the trace tech the more he surprised her, not least in the way he so confidently held her hand as they walked outside, then hailed a cab with ease even though the street was jammed with revelers trying to get home or to a bigger and better party. As they climbed into the purring Mercedes she briefly thought about Nick, and wondered whether he had gotten a cab for him and Sasha so easily. Probably, he was the kind of guy that the world would stop for if he asked it to, even though he didn't realize it. She sighed, feeling more than a little dizzy, and settled back into her seat, Hodges' arm around her shoulders feeling surprisingly _right_.

On reaching his apartment she was surprised yet again, expecting some sterile man-pad with no home comforts or decoration. Instead she found piles of books which littered almost every surface and were piled high on the floor, some weird type of plant life which threatened to attack her as she fought her way past it in the hall, and a cat which wound around her ankles and asked very politely for food or fuss, whichever she felt like giving it.

"Kobayashi Maru," Hodges informed her, smiling a little self-consciously and giving a cute little shrug as he led the way through to the den.

Wendy stopped for a minute where she was, staring after him in confusion. Not, though, because of the cat's name. Why did she all of a sudden find everything he did either sexy or cute? Was she really that drunk? Yeah, that had to be it, she was drunk and horny and pissed at Nick for never even noticing she was alive, and she was sick to death of always being the good little girl who always did what was expected of her and had never tried to rebel. She had been careful her whole life, a good student, a good daughter, a good worker. Her parents were proud of her, her sister hated the sight of her because Wendy had never been in trouble when they were kids, not like she had. Vicky had been the rebellious one, the one who had gotten her belly button pierced, who had slept around, who had_ fun_, while Wendy studied and got good grades and was always very careful who she dated, never letting any situation get out of hand. Well listen up world. Wendy Simms was sick of being good, it was Christmas and she was in the apartment of a hot guy who thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and she was going to let her hair down!

_Hot_? Had she just told herself that Hodges was _hot_? She grinned to herself, her heart thudding wildly in her throat at the prospect of doing something unexpected, and followed the cute, hot, _sexy_ guy into his lair. Hodges was standing just inside the door, brow furrowed, worried gaze flicking back and forth between the small but stylish kitchenette, and an open door on the other side which obviously led to the bedroom. He was fidgeting nervously, and as Wendy came in behind him he jumped, biting his lip as he turned to look at her. She smiled, amused at his discomfort. Evidently he didn't know whether to offer her a drink or lead her straight to the inner sanctum. Wendy took pity and made the decision for him, heart still in her throat as she stepped closer and gazed up into those beautiful turquoise eyes.

"Well?" she purred, wondering what the heck she was doing even as she did it. "Are you going to seduce me or just stand there all night?"

As she spoke she ran a hand seductively up and down his back, feeling the heat coming off him through his thin shirt. Yet again she was surprised, this time at the definition of muscle she felt there. Not such a skinny wimp after all... She felt him shiver deliciously at her touch, a small whimper of desire escaping his throat, and she smiled, catching her bottom lip between her teeth at the thought that she had elicited such a reaction just by touching him.

_Nick Stokes eat your heart out, you don't know what you're missing_.

Hodges was having a hard time, literally, controlling himself as he led her by the hand to his bedroom. He glanced round swiftly to check for incriminating evidence, thankful that he made a habit of always making his bed when he left it, and took several deep breaths to calm himself. He couldn't believe that he actually had Wendy Simms here, in his bedroom, and he was about to have sex with her. He would have pinched himself if it wouldn't have made him look unbelievingly uncool, so instead he contented himself with kicking himself in the ankle as he turned to face her.

_Ouch... _Yep, he was awake, and she was really here, standing before him, looking more beautiful than ever with her dark hair cascading round her dusky shoulders, red dress setting off her coloring to perfection. Then again, she would look beautiful in anything, and even better in nothing...

To that end, he hesitantly leaned forward to kiss her softly, unsure quite how to proceed. Not that he had never done it before, of course he had, _lots_ of times... Well ok, a few... But he didn't want to mess this up. It was important, it was _Wendy_. He touched his lips to hers, and she wound her arms a bit unsteadily around his neck, pulling him closer and opening her mouth to his kiss. He groaned softly as her tongue touched his, and then his arms were around her, hands touching, caressing, sliding over satin to feel every inch of her perfect body. Wendy broke the kiss and arched her head back, inviting him to explore her exposed neck, and he did with relish, kissing, nipping, sucking at the soft flesh, tongue flicking over her earlobe to elicit a soft sigh from her, the sound of which went straight to his groin.

He fumbled with the zip of her dress, and she reached around to help him, letting the silky fabric fall to the floor to stand before him in a black lace bra and panties. He looked at her for the longest time, drinking in every inch of her body, but instead of feeling self-conscious she reveled in the attention, smiling seductively at him as he licked his lips nervously.

"Make love to me H... David," she breathed, and his name sounded right on her tongue.

"David..." she murmured again as he stepped closer, and willingly followed his lead as he lowered her onto the wide bed.

She reached up to unbutton his shirt, fingers shaking, and slid it off his shoulders, pushing it down over his wrists and off the bed onto the floor. She wanted to touch him, to run her hands over his chest and back and arms. She had a thing about arms, and Hodges' were not a disappointment, not overly muscled, but wiry and strong. She felt him shiver under her touch as she slid butterfly fingers over his smooth firm chest, and moaned softly as he leaned down to nip the soft flesh at the juncture of her neck and shoulder.

Even as he kissed her and shed the rest of her clothes along with his own she could hardly believe this was real, that she was really in Hodges' bed... _Hodges _bed... and he was making her feel things she had never felt before. She arched her back to meet him as he kissed and licked his way down her goose-bumped body, and cried out softly at the pleasure he brought her when his journey reached its conclusion. How could this be the same man who aggravated her so much at the lab? This was a completely different David Hodges, a considerate, unselfish, _talented _lover, and she wasn't at all sure if she was happy about it. It was all wrong. David Hodges, creepy trace tech, _freakboy_, should not be making her feel this good. It was so wrong... but then why did it feel so _right_?

As for Hodges, he thought he'd died and gone to Heaven as he moved back up over smooth golden flesh to nuzzle once again the softness of her breasts, the breasts he had fantasized over for so long. He smiled at the tiny whimpers of pleasure that emanated from her kiss-bruised lips as he covered her body with his own, and as he finally slid into her welcoming warmth he knew that if he should die tomorrow he would die a happy man. For the first time in his life he felt as though he was worth something, that someone wanted him... He felt _alive_.

As they lay breathless afterward, her head on his shoulder, she smiled. She was officially no longer a good girl. She had just slept with someone that she wasn't in a relationship with, that she didn't even _like_ very much... Was this what it felt like to sleep around? Because if it was she would have to do it more, that had been fantastic, the best sex she had ever had in fact, and with David Hodges, who would have thought it?

Then it suddenly it hit her, and her eyes snapped open to look incredulously at him... at _Hodges_... she had just slept with _Hodges! _Oh God what had she done? She would never live this down, ever. This was all Nick Stokes' fault. What the hell had possessed her to leave with Hodges? How could she have thought he was _hot_ for God's sake? She was in his _house_... she had let him... She shuddered and sat up, suddenly sober, to gaze down in horror at the satisfied smile on his face as he lay contentedly beside her, eyes closed, on the verge of snoring softly. This was the man who leered at her boobs whenever he got the chance, the man who stalked her in restaurants and insinuated himself into private conversations just so that he could try to impress to her. And she had just let him see her _naked! _She had to get out of here, right now. She had to go back and make sure no one had missed her, or worse, seen her leave with the geek.

"I have to go," she stated firmly, knowing that Hodges responded best to decisiveness and a strong guiding hand.

In other words he was scared of women... although looking at him now, that dreamy smile on his face as he lay on his back with his arm around her, she wouldn't have said he looked exactly _scared_. Ecstatic was more like it, and she couldn't help but smile for a moment to think that she was responsible for that satisfied look on his face. Her eyes drifted down over his wiry torso to where his hand lay relaxed on his concave stomach. Those hands... the things they had done to her... She almost weakened, then pulled herself up short, blinking and looking back at the gormless expression on his face.

"Hodges!" she snapped, and his eyes sprang open to gaze up at her worriedly.

"What?" he replied, seeming to shrink back into the pillow.

Had he not been good enough? Because it had sure felt good to him, and she certainly hadn't complained. In his limited experience she had sounded and looked as though she was enjoying it as much as he was...

"I have to go back, now," she stated, sitting up and reaching for her underwear.

Hodges' face fell, but he began to sit up obediently.

"No!" she said sharply, practically pushing him back down onto the pillow. "You don't have to, you stay here, you look erm... tired. I can call a cab."

She threw him a brief humorless smile and rapidly pulled on her crumpled red dress, raking her fingers through her hair as she retrieved one shoe from under the bed and the other from behind the door. She couldn't let him come back with her. He would want to walk in together and then everyone would know. She couldn't have that.

"Oh... ok," Hodges replied, pouting a little as he lay back down, pulling the sheet up over himself, and a surge of irritation ran through her.

Great. If he was a gentleman he wouldn't have given in that easily. Contrarily, she wanted him to get up anyway, to insist that he delivered her safely back to the party or to her house, even though she knew she wouldn't have allowed him to. She wasn't a bitch, not really; she wasn't shallow or unfeeling, but honestly... to be seen with Hodges? That would put an end to any respect she might have developed in the lab, wouldn't it? She took one last look over her shoulder at him as she left, to find him watching her with rather a sad look in his eyes. Once again it hit her how beautiful and expressive those eyes were, but she shut the thought out before it could solidify, and closed the door behind her.

Hodges lay looking at the closed door long after she was gone, going over and over the events of the evening, second guessing himself time and again over what he had done right or wrong, what he should have done differently or not done at all. He should have gotten up and gone back with her, he knew that much, but the sharp tone she had used on him had sounded almost afraid, and he wasn't about to make her mad at him after such an amazing night. She was so beautiful, so perfect, and he was so useless with women that he had no idea of what would have been the right thing to do. They seemed to say one thing and mean another all the time, and he knew he would never understand them in a million years. That was why he liked working with trace - DNA was too unpredictable, especially female DNA. One thing was for certain, he couldn't believe his luck, and now he was terrified of ruining everything as he had a habit of doing whenever he had anything good in his life.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Meaningless - Chapter 4

Author: B0gw0ppit

Rating: M

Summary: Wendy couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Had it really all been meaningless? Wedges

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dreams, my dog and my VW camper

Spoilers: A couple of small season 8 spoilers, but nothing plot-ruining at all.

Author's Note: I think it's amazing the misunderstandings that can spring up. You wouldn't believe it sometimes. I hope this flash backy thing isn't too confusing for anyone btw!

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"And then? What about the next day? What happened when you saw him in the lab? C'mon! You're making me squeeze every detail out of you!" Jacqui was practically jumping up and down on her stool.

Wendy gave her a half-hearted glare as she finished making the coffee and put a mug in front of Jacqui on the counter, choking back the emotion that threatened to overwhelm her as she forced the events of that night to resurface after weeks of keeping them firmly in a box. It hurt, the memory of that night, but not because she regretted it happening she realized now. No, it hurt because she was finally beginning to admit to herself that it had been good, better than anything she had ever known, and she wanted to cry for the thought of losing what might have been before it had even had a chance to begin.

For weeks she had refused to allow it mind-room, pushing it firmly into her closet of Things-That-I-Need-To-Forget every time she caught a glimpse of David Hodges in his lab, hunched over his precious microscope, dexterous hands working some miracle to produce that all important piece of evidence that would finally crack the case. She refused to look at those hands, not wanting to remember the way they had touched her, refused to look into those now cold turquoise eyes, eyes that had caressed her body as he undressed her with such reverence, and most of all she refused to acknowledge that she couldn't stop thinking about him.

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The day after the party at work she had been nervous as hell about seeing him again, not knowing what to say or how to act around him. And because of that she had hurt his feelings, not on purpose, but she had anyway.

She was with Mandy and Bobby in the break room, and the two other lab techs were rehashing the details of the night before. Wendy stayed quiet, her thoughts churning round and round in her head. She was confused - she couldn't stop thinking about Hodges and the way he had made her feel, but she knew too that he was really just an arrogant little creep who took pride in making everyone else feel inferior. How could she equate the way he had been last night with her to the way he was every single other day of the year? And more than that, what would everyone else think if they found out about it? She would be a laughing stock. Who in their right mind would even _think_ about sleeping with the narky tech, drunk or not? How could she have been so stupid? What would she say to him when she saw him? Obviously they couldn't carry on seeing each other, it had just been one huge mistake and she just wanted to forget about it...

"... Earth to Simms..."

She was jolted back to reality to see Bobby's smiling face leaning over the table in front of her. He was snapping his fingers, and as she frowned at him he laughed.

"Wow, that must have been some daydream," he drawled, "y'all were miles away."

Wendy blinked and glanced at Mandy, who gave her a curious look.

"So?" said Bobby, obviously waiting for an answer to something.

"Sorry, what?" Wendy replied, pulling herself together and straightening in her seat.

"Where did you get to last night?" he repeated, sitting back down and crossing his arms. "We came looking for you to share a cab home and you were already gone."

Wendy froze, frantically trying to think what to say. She wasn't a liar by nature, and excuses didn't come easily to her.

"I erm... went home early," she blurted, saying the first thing that came to mind. "I had a headache."

She knew she was blushing, and the strange look Mandy was giving her didn't abate.

"That's funny," said the fingerprint tech slyly, "I could have sworn I saw you leaving with Hodges..."

Wendy froze, desperately trying to think of something to say. God, was this how suspects felt under the eagle eye of Brass? She took a deep breath, carefully so as not to attract attention, and slowly threw Mandy a puzzled frown, pouting a little as though deep in thought. Then she laughed, hoping it didn't sound too contrived.

"What? _Hodges_? Why the hell would I be with _him_?" She shuddered, grimacing exaggeratedly, and flicked a glance at Bobby to see if she was being convincing enough. "God, Mandy, I might have had a bit to drink but I would have to be a hell of a lot drunker than that to go anywhere near _Hodges_!"

Were they convinced? Could they tell she was lying? She felt bad about it, but she couldn't bear the jokes she knew would be made at her expense if they knew the truth, or worse, the looks of sympathy she might receive. Or even worse than that, they might start treating her as though she was some sort of weirdo, similar really to the way they treated Hodges now she came to think about it. She wasn't a bitch, not really, but her feelings were all mixed up inside and she was panicking quietly. No matter how she looked at it, she just could not see the Hodges they all knew and despised at the lab as the same gentle, caring man who had made her feel so good last night. She could only put it down to the drink and to her fragile ego that had been unwittingly trodden on by Nick Stokes. And right now her best form of defense was absolute denial, even to herself.

Outside the door the object of their derision stood frozen to the spot, unable to move. He had heard Wendy in there, and was about to go in to speak to her, to see if she was ok, to ask her... well, he didn't really know... maybe ask her if she wanted to go out sometime, or something. He wasn't really sure of the etiquette after you slept with a colleague at the office party, but he was going to say _something_. But before he could go in he had overheard... _that_. And because he was outside and she was sitting with her back to the glass Wendy didn't see the unusual look of genuine happiness that was evident in his eyes turn to utter defeat. She didn't see the expression of tentative hope leave his face to be replaced by desolation, or the spring in his step get squashed by the slump of his shoulders as he finally turned and walked straight back to his lab. Mandy saw it, but she took it as just another typical Hodges moment when the arrogant asshole couldn't believe someone didn't think he was wonderful. She didn't stop to think that Wendy's protest might have hurt his feelings, even if nothing _had_ happened between them.

Hodges stormed along, almost knocking Catherine flying as she jumped quickly out of his way, back to the familiar equipment that he called his own; equipment which never let him down, never lied or denied his existence, equipment that he could rely on, unlike people. He should have known better than to think it was anything other than a drunken roll in the sack. His luck couldn't be that good, it never had been before so why should it change now? Well, he wasn't going to let her see how much her denial of him hurt. He would be coolly polite but distant, and she would see that it had meant nothing to him just the way it obviously meant nothing to her. With eyes now devoid of all emotion he began to study the latest trace he was supposed to be analyzing, and put Wendy Simms and her perfect body right to the back of his very busy and brilliant mind.

He deliberately stayed in his lab the whole day, avoiding any and all human contact. Luckily for him that in itself wasn't all that unusual, and neither was the ill-tempered snarl with which he greeted the only two people to visit him looking for results, Greg and Warrick. Sanders tried to joke him out of his mood, but Hodges was having none of it, not even rising to the boy's taunt that maybe he should get laid. Warrick merely gave him an old-fashioned look, and stalked out with his sheet of paper firmly grasped in his hand.

Later that evening the narky tech was finally going home, tension visible in the set of his shoulders and the grim lines around his mouth, when his luck finally ran out and he bumped into her quite by accident. She was just coming out of the locker room, and his reaction to her shocked expression was to set the precedent for the way they were destined to behave around each other from then on. After his first initial jolt of hope, which despite his determination he was unable to prevent, he clenched his jaw and set his mouth in a grim line, refusing to acknowledge the small smile and the almost inaudible 'hi' she offered him. He nodded at her coldly, face devoid of all expression, and hardened his heart against the flicker of doubt he saw in her dark eyes. His insides were in turmoil as his face held its blank expression perfectly, and he even took a second to feel quite proud of himself for pulling it off so well - he could have been an actor. So she thought it was ok to talk to him when they were alone did she? But not when she was with her oh so popular little clique of friends. Well that wasn't going to happen. He might be dumb for a smart guy, but he wasn't a complete doormat. There was no way in this world he was about to allow her to hurt him again. Once upon a time he had been stupid enough to give someone a second chance, and a third, and a fourth, and the experience had left him the insecure emotional void he was today. Since then he had erected high, sturdy walls around his fragile psyche, built out of sarcasm and arrogance and snippy wit, and he wasn't about to allow one chink of light to show through to risk the pain again.

Wendy stared at him for a long moment, confused and upset by his reaction to her. She of course was totally unaware that he had overheard her talking, and thought he was just being a pig. So what was new? She had been nervous about seeing him again, sure, but now that she had... well she wished she hadn't bothered even _trying_ to be nice. He obviously _was _the asshole she had always thought him to be, and the night before had been some personal conquest on his part, probably some big cosmic plan he had dreamed up to plot the likelihood of someone like her actually consenting to sleep with someone like him. No doubt he had already posted the results of the experiment on the internet. She could have almost laughed at the thought, almost, but not quite. Somehow, whatever she had always thought of him before, she would never have put him down as a heartless bastard just out for what he could get. If she had she would never have gone near him, however drunk she was. Yet again David Hodges had succeeded in surprising her, but this time it was not at all a pleasant surprise. The worst thing about the meeting though was the unexpected pang of disappointment she felt at his treatment of her. She really didn't think she would care that much if he ignored her, if anything she would have expected to welcome it. At least it would have let her off the hook. But after last night she had expected... well, she didn't know what she expected really, something different to the cold shoulder she was getting from him though. She didn't allow herself to stop and wonder why it hurt so much.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Meaningless - Chapter 5

Author: B0gw0ppit

Rating: M

Summary: Wendy couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Had it really all been meaningless? Wedges

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dreams, my dog and my VW camper

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"My God, what a bastard," Jacqui breathed, of course only hearing Wendy's side of the story. "And he hasn't spoken to you since?"

Wendy looked around, half surprised to see that at some point during her reminiscing they had moved from the kitchen to the lounge, and her friend was now queen of the armchair, watching her expectantly. Sighing resignedly, she made herself comfortable on the couch, tucking her feet up under her and wrapping her hands around the third cup of coffee that hour.

She didn't want to think about that day, or any day since in fact, it had been horrible. At the time she had been more surprised than hurt at the way his treatment of her had made her feel, because she didn't think she cared that much whether he ignored her or not. For so long she had spent her work days trying to avoid any interaction with Hodges and his wandering eyes that it was hard to believe she might actually_want_ to spend time with him. She shook her head.

"No," she replied, biting back tears fiercely, aware that of course she was only crying so much because of her condition... hormones and all that... It had nothing whatsoever to do with Hodges and the fact that she couldn't stop thinking about him.

She became aware of Jacqui watching her carefully, and looked up to meet concerned eyes.

"What are you going to do?" the older woman asked softly, and Wendy shrugged.

"I don't know," she admitted honestly. "I can't keep it... I don't have the first clue about bringing up a child."

She looked at her friend guiltily, thinking about Jacqui's own two kids and knowing how much the woman loved them. She knew she was being selfish, but honestly, she couldn't even _think_ about keeping a child by a man she didn't love and who didn't love her, didn't even want to _know_ her. But above all that, and something she could never tell even Jacqui, was the fact that ever since that night she hadn't been able to get David Hodges out of her mind. Every time she closed her eyes she would see his face, his soft gaze full of some emotion she didn't dare name, every time she touched her own skin it was as though his hands were on her, dexterous fingers tracing patterns across heated flesh, and every time she fell asleep it would be to dream of him making her feel the way he had made her feel that night, and she would wake tangled in sweaty sheets, flushed and breathless. The guy was invading her thoughts waking and sleeping, and she just couldn't get him out of her head. There was no way she could have a small Hodges lookalike running round reminding her about her mistake for ever. She still couldn't believe how stupid she had been, and she still couldn't quite understand what had happened to make Hodges not speak to her, but most of all she couldn't believe how much she cared.

Jacqui watched her for a long while silently, until Wendy felt quite uncomfortable under her knowing eyes.

"Look, I know it's none of my business," the older woman began carefully, as though turning over in her mind just how to say what was on her mind. "It's your body, your life that would change, but have you thought about telling him?"

Wendy stared at her in shock.

"No!" she blurted. "I... no."

Jacqui pursed her lips shrewdly, swallowing the last of her coffee and putting the mug on a side table.

"Why? If he's the complete asshole you believe him to be the least he can do is pay for an abortion," she said bluntly, watching Wendy for her reaction all the while.

Fresh tears sprang to the younger woman's eyes, and she sniffed loudly, wiping her eyes with the heel of her hand when she realized the Kleenex she was hanging on to was in shreds.

"I... can't..." she replied in a small voice, unable to elaborate.

In truth she didn't know why herself. All she knew was that she couldn't bear to see the look of resentment and accusation on Hodges' face if she did tell him. She couldn't bear for him to hate her for ruining his life as well as her own, for forcing him to pay for her mistake, or worst of all if he offered to marry her, to be a father to the kid. She most certainly couldn't bear having him do that knowing that he would never love her, never care for her, and would end up resenting her for tying him to something he didn't want any part of. He had made it all too clear by now that it had been a one night stand, the scratching of an itch, something to be forgotten about and ignored. She hadn't thought about this consciously, not really, because she wouldn't let herself think about her feelings for him, and why it mattered so much if he hated her or not. She shouldn't care, but she did, and she couldn't even begin to analyze why. All she knew was that the man had insinuated himself into her every thought and she couldn't get him out of her head.

"It's... complicated..."

Jacqui fixed her with her best hard-ass no nonsense glare and folded her arms across her chest.

"What's complicated about it? You were drunk, you got laid by a guy you wouldn't normally touch with a ten-foot pole, you regret it, end of story. Sorry hun, and I know this sounds harsh, but that little... problem..." She glanced pointedly down at Wendy's flat stomach, "can be easily disposed of. You can't ruin your life over a one-night stand with a guy you don't even care about."

Wendy stared at her, shocked at her tone, and at the fact that she seemed to be too involved with this whole situation, even for a concerned friend. Had this touched a nerve for her? Was one of her own kids a result of something similar perhaps? She knew Jacqui loved her kids to the ends of the earth, and wouldn't be without them, but she also knew that the older woman had given up school when she had gotten pregnant at the age of nineteen, giving up a promising career in law enforcement, before going back to college at a later date to pick up some of her studies. She was one of the lucky ones. Young mothers didn't often get the opportunity to return to the job they loved.

"You know what I think?" Jacqui was asking, and Wendy looked at her, frowning slightly in question. "I think you have feelings for him."

Wendy's jaw dropped, and she shook her head dumbly at the older woman.

"No! No I... I don't..."

Did she?


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Meaningless - Chapter 6

Author: B0gw0ppit

Rating: M

Summary: Wendy couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Had it really all been meaningless? Wedges

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dreams, my dog and my VW camper

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David Hodges was getting drunk. This was something that would have been unheard of two months ago. The only times he had ever allowed himself to do this prior to the Christmas party was just that - Christmas parties. He hated losing control, but he hated more the feeling of desolation that was his constant companion these last few weeks. So now he was sitting in a seedy bar drinking double whiskies and staring into space as the same image played over and over again in his mind.

Wendy... her perfect, beautiful body laying on his bed, stretching out like a cat with a cat-like smile on her face after they had made l... had sex. He refused to think of it any other way; love had nothing to do with it - it was sex, that was all. Other guys did it all the time, so he could too...

How the hell did they do that? How the hell did they take home a different girl every night and have sex with her and then forget about her completely the next day? He couldn't, whatever he told himself, he just couldn't think of Wendy that way. She was more than just a lay, always had been, always would be. And not just because Hodges was a sad-assed geek who had only ever slept with two other women, that had nothing to do with it. He had always known there was something different about Wendy Simms. The minute he had set eyes on her that first day in the lab he had been head-over-heels in love with her, and he knew however much he told himself what a bitch she was it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference.

But that didn't mean he was about to make a fool of himself and attempt to make things up with her, to ask her what had gone wrong, why she didn't want to know him now. Oh no, he wasn't that dumb, he was already the laughing stock of the lab for so many different reasons, he wasn't about to add to them. Besides, she had made absolutely no attempt to talk to him since that night, so obviously she thought it was a mistake. He could kick himself for being such a loser. He had been getting somewhere with her before, he knew he had, at least she used to _talk_ to him... most of the time. And then he had to go and blow it all by letting his balls rule his head.

"Hey Hodges, what are you doing here?" The over-bright voice woke him from his sullen reverie, and he bit back a groan as he looked up to see Greg standing over him.

"Sanders," he replied dully, "can't a guy even drink himself to death in peace without having your puke-inducing shirts forced upon him?"

The young CSI might have sobered up his dress-sense during working hours, but in his own time he was still as loud as ever, and tonight he was sporting some gruesome creation of cerise and turquoise, covered in Palm trees of dubious parentage.

"You wound me deeply," came the reply, big brown puppy-dog eyes trained on empty blue orbs as Greg pulled a bar stool closer. "So, spill. Who stole your germ detector?"

The truth was, Greg had drawn the short straw from a lotto of all the guys in the lab, including Nick and Warrick reluctantly. They had all noticed the trace tech's usual snappy repartee become a thing of the past these last few weeks, leaving him moody and silent, an empty shell of the familiar snarky kiss-ass they had all come to know and lo... well, know. Seriously though, they were concerned about him, and Nick and Greg had both witnessed him in here, the closest cheap bar to the lab, on three separate occassions getting more than a little merry. So when Jacqui had approached them that morning to discreetly ask if they had noticed anything different about him they hadn't hesitated to let her know. She soon had them drawing straws to find out what was wrong with him, refusing to let Greg in on what was obviously some piece of juicy gossip. So now Greg was on a mission, and he was determined not to go home until he had discovered Hodges' problem.

"Nothing's wrong!" Hodges snapped, scowling sulkily down into his whisky as he pulled the glass closer like a shield. "Why should anything be wrong? And why would you care anyway? You hate me, you all do."

Greg stared. Wow, the guy really was on a downer. For a minute he panicked, wondering if this was maybe too deep for him to handle, more up Nick's street, or Catherine's. But then he saw how Hodges' hands were shaking, and he lifted his chin, clenching his jaw firmly. No, he wasn't about to pass this over; despite their constant (not so constant lately) narking, Greg liked to think that he and Hodges got on, had a mutual respect, even liked each other. At least, he liked Hodges, even if he_was_ a bit of a kiss-ass to Grissom. He wasn't so sure Hodges liked him though; he wasn't so sure that Hodges liked _anyone_.

"We don't hate you," he grinned, clapping him on the shoulder and causing Hodges to send him a glowering look over his whisky. "We love you man! You're part of the family Hodges, for better or worse. You might be an arrogant asshole, but you're _our_ arrogant asshole."

Hodges straightened up, a tiny flicker of warmth filling the space where his heart used to be at the thought of being liked. Then it disappeared to leave a gaping black hole once more. He knew one person who _didn't_ love him, didn't _like_ him even, and she was the only person he cared about. He huffed out a breath of humorless laughter, and eyed Greg suspiciously.

"Who sent you?" he asked bluntly, fixing Greg with his best confession-inducing glare.

But Greg was stronger than that. He wouldn't break to that kind of pressure, he was a fully-fledged CSI now, he could handle pressure...

"No one..." he began, managing to look innocent and offended at the same time, but Hodges was having none of it, and merely carried on torturing him with his silence. "Ok, Jacqui, but she's only worried about you!"

His protests fell on deaf ears as Hodges sighed dramatically, pushing his empty glass away and standing up so sharply his stool fell over with a crash. That was just great. Now he was the subject of office gossip as well as an object of derision and laughter.

"Do me a favor Greg," he snarled, picking up his jacket from the bar, "leave me the hell alone ok?"

Greg stared after him helplessly as he stalked out of the bar. So much for_that_ idea, maybe he should stick to what he did best, brightening people's days with his devilishly handsome grin and perpetually cheerful boyish charm. He was no good at this deep meaningful grown-up stuff.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Meaningless - Chapter 7

Author: B0gw0ppit

Rating: M

Summary: Wendy couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Had it really all been meaningless? Wedges

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dreams, my dog and my VW camper

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Wendy leaned back in her chair, rubbing her eyes and yawning for the tenth time that minute. It was no good, she couldn't concentrate, and now it wasn't just the subconsciously suppressed hope of seeing Hodges that had her unable to do her job. A few days had passed since she had made her terrifying discovery, and she was no nearer making a decision about what to do now than she had been then. Her first instinct had of course been to get rid of it, to cover up any evidence of that drunken encounter and get on with her life. But the more she thought about it the more she didn't think she would be able to do it, and the more Hodges' face kept popping into her thoughts. Whenever she pictured him though he wasn't wearing the mask of blank indifference that she was getting used to seeing, nor was he sneering disdainfully at her latest blunder the way he had been so fond of doing before. He didn't even have the self-satisfied little smile that he had worn the night they... that night. No, whenever his face drifted into her mind these days all she could see was a deep and abiding sadness in his beautiful blue eyes.

She had been sick this morning, puking her guts up before she even had a chance to get out of bed, and so she had had the delightful chore of cleaning that up before she had come to work on top of everything else. She felt sick again now, hadn't been able to face eating anything, and knew she must look like a zombie to anyone who cared to look in.

She had seen Hodges earlier, and for a moment they had both stopped, face to face in the corridor, just looking at each other. Just for a split second Wendy had seen something other than that familiar blank look in his eyes, and she had almost said something to him... anything, anything to stop this eternal awkward silence that stretched between them constantly these days. She wanted to tell him she was sorry, because just lately she had begun to get a dreadful feeling that he knew what she had said about him, what she had _thought_ about him in the days afterward. She wanted to tell him she didn't think that any more. She wanted to tell him she didn't care what people thought, that she missed him and wanted to... to...

But as quickly as the look in his eyes was there so it was gone again, to be replaced by the look of emptiness bordering on derision that she had seen there ever since that night. And so she had kept quiet, and they had gone their separate ways once more.

She felt sick again. In fact... she was going to _be_ sick again... Oh God...

Wendy pushed herself away from the computer and stood up, practically pushing Greg, who was just coming in for some results, through the glass as she rushed out of the door towards the bathroom. The CSI swayed out of her way, then stared after her open-mouthed for a second before walking out after her. He saw Jacqui look up from her own lab as Wendy streaked past, and discretely followed her as she went after her friend. This had to be worth an eavesdrop...

"Wendy, Wendy honey are you ok?" Jacqui called as she walked into the women's restroom, closing the door behind her before she could see a certain young man hovering outside.

She heard a groan from one of the cubicles, and hesitantly pushed the door open to see the young woman kneeling down with her head over the bowl.

"Hey sweetie," she said softly. "Are you ok?"

"No, I'm dying," came the muffled reply, but slowly the dark head was lifted to reveal a pale face with swollen eyes, dark rings beneath them.

"Oh baby you look like crap," Jacqui stated sympathetically.

"Thanks," Wendy replied, but attempted a small smile as she stood up on shaky legs.

Jacqui helped her out of the cubicle and washed her face gently with a hand towel, drying it with another before stepping back to check her over. With a nod of satisfaction she began to guide her out of the bathroom to take her to sit down and get her a glass of water.

"I know it feels like the end of the world now sweetie," she told her as they emerged, "but this time next month you'll be feeling great, believe me."

She looked at her curiously to see any clue in her face as to what she had decided to so about the 'problem', completely missing the look on Greg's face as they walked past him. Wendy uttered a small laugh.

"Yeah, feeling great and looking like a beached whale," she retorted, nevertheless feeling a little better now that she had thrown up again. She looked at Jacqui, not even noticing the CSI standing there by the wall. "I still don't know if I can keep it..." she admitted in a small voice. "But I don't think I can face getting rid of it either."

They walked on, and Greg stared after them for almost a full minute before haring off to the break room. Nick was in there, so was Warrick, Bobby and Hodges. Things were a little slow in the crime lab today.

"Hey guess what!" Greg exclaimed in a stage whisper, face flushed with excitement at the thought of having new gossip to impart.

"What?" Warrick replied half-heartedly, not even looking up from his newspaper.

Nick and Bobby both looked up expectantly, Hodges glanced up briefly before burying his head back in _Popular Science_. If it was Greg saying something than it probably wasn't as interesting as he thought it was. Greg took a deep breath as though about to deliver a very important speech, looked over his shoulder to make sure Wendy and Jacqui hadn't sneaked up on him whole he wasn't looking, and cleared his throat.

"Wendy's pregnant."

The bottom fell out of Hodges' world with those two little words, and he felt himself pale as he froze, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the writing which blurred beneath his gaze. He felt as though he had been kicked in the guts and buried alive all at once, there suddenly seemed to be not enough oxygen to breath. His hands started to shake, and in an effort to be inconspicuous he gripped the magazine tighter, only succeeding in ripping the page and digging his nails into his palms hard enough to draw blood.

_Breath, breath..._

He risked a quick glance up, only to see Warrick, Bobby and Greg all looking at... _Nick_.

"What?" Stokes demanded, wide-eyed in disbelief as he looked from Rick to Greg and back again. "Don't look at _me!"_

Greg looked back at him innocently, raising both eyebrows into his hairline which was currently, Hodges noticed incongruously, very subtley streaked copper and blond. Warrick continued to study Nick with a narrow gaze, and Bobby shrugged.

"Well everyone knows she's got the hots for y'all," he stated matter-of-factly, and picked up his coffee mug, standing up to refill it.

"_What_?" Nick repeated, brown eyes registering shock. "Well I haven't been near her!"

Hodges felt a pang of pure unadulterated jealousy surge through him, and in that moment he could quite happily have picked up a knife and stuck Stokes through the gut with it. For the first time in his life he almost empathized with killers who murdered in a fit of rage.

"I _didn't_!" Nick was protesting when Greg continued to study him, arms folded, in silence. "I didn't even know she _liked_ me! I haven't been near the woman!"

"Alright alright," Sanders eventually gave in, holding up his hands in a placatory manner. "Well anyway, she is. So c'mon, who's do you think it is?"

He looked around eagerly, not having truly believed for a minute that Stokes had anything to do with it. The Texan's preference was for leggy blondes.

"How d'y'all know she's in the club?" Bobby drawled. "She wouldn't tell ya."

Greg pouted at the gun expert for a second.

"She might do, me and Wendy, we're like _that_." He held up two fingers and crossed them smugly. Then he sighed. "Ok then, I heard her and Jacqui talking just now about morning sickness and getting fat and whether she was going to keep it."

Hodges felt sick, and briefly wondered if he was coming out in sympathy. Not keep it? His kid? He'd always wanted kids... his fingernails dug even deeper, and he struggled to stop his hands from shaking.

Warrick unfolded his lanky frame and stood up, putting his empty mug on the counter.

"Well, interesting as this conversation is, some of us have work to do," he said, walking out the door. "Besides, I don't think it's really any of our business."

That took the wind out of Greg's sails, but only for an instant, before he looked back into the room.

"What about you, Hodges?" he smirked, trying to jolt the man out of his bad mood. "You reckon the culprit's anyone from the lab?"

The trace tech threw him a look of pure evil and stood up, for the second time in Greg's company knocking his chair to the floor behind him. He seemed to be making a habit of that. Shaking with emotion he stalked round the table to face up to the taller man, fists clenched by his sides.

"Shut. The Hell. Up." He spoke slowly and concisely, his voice dangerously quiet, and Greg's eyes widened in surprise.

Hodges was _that_ close to punching someone, Stokes or Sanders, even Bobby, he didn't care who, but he knew that to do that would be to kiss his job goodbye. He was already on his second warning for the incident with the baby oil and Grissom's lunch. So instead he gritted his teeth, raised his chin, and strode calmly out of the room. At least he_ looked _calm, but inside he was shaking like a leaf and still having difficulty breathing. He had to find Wendy, he had to talk to her.

Greg stared after him incredulously for a moment, open-mouthed, before turning to see Bobby and Nick both doing the same.

"You don't think...?" he began, drifting into unbelieving silence as he jerked his thumb at the trace tech over his shoulder.

The other two men in the room shifted their gazes, first to each other, then to the lanky CSI, and shook their heads in utter amazement.

"Nah," all three men said in unison.


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Meaningless - Chapter 8

Author: B0gw0ppit

Rating: M

Summary: Wendy couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Had it really all been meaningless? Wedges

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dreams, my dog and my VW camper

Author's Note: Ok, this is the last chapter guys. I could have kept it going, but I get bored quickly and I didn't want it to drag on for the sake of it. However, I think it could go a lot further, so I might write a sequel if I can get my muse going again! I am SO glad you've enjoyed it, and thanks for all the yummy reviews. I'll shut up now... Enjoy!

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Every time he saw her he wanted to reach out to her, to beg her to please like him again, to give him another chance, that he was sorry about whatever it was he had done so wrong as to make her hate him so much. But he didn't _know_ what he had done wrong, he thought it had been good, he thought she wasn't the kind of girl who would sleep and run, who would deny it ever happening just to save face with her friends. Obviously he had been wrong, and she was just like all the others who laughed in his face if he ever dared let them know he was interested, or who told him lies and pretended to like him until someone better came along. And in any case he wasn't going to beg. He had done enough begging in the past, and had learned the hard way that showing your heart only resulted in it getting broken.

This morning had been no different. When he had bumped into her in the corridor he had been on the verge of speaking, the constant flicker of pleasure every time he saw her still evident even though they hadn't really spoken for weeks and he should be getting used to it by now. As with all the other times though, before he could say a word the little voice in his subconscious seeped into his mind.

_Don't... you'll only be hurt again. She's like the others, she'll laugh at you and tell you not to be so ridiculous, of course she didn't really like you, she was just drunk, she just just had an itch she needed scratching, it meant nothing, you were crap..._

And so he stopped before he had even begun, and his face fell back into his usual mask of indifference, and he walked past her without a word.

Now on his headlong flight to find her he couldn't stop Greg's words fluttering round his mind like confetti he couldn't quite catch to examine clearly..

_Wendy's pregnant Wendy's pregnant..._

He thrust open the door to the ladies' room, banging it on the wall tiles with a resounding thud. Empty... He ran on, looking left and right into labs and offices as he went. The locker room was just up ahead; there, that was where she was, he could feel it; David Hodges had never gone along with instinct before in his life but he did now. Just before he flung open the door however he skidded to a halt. What if it wasn't his? What if she really _wasn't_ the sort of girl he thought - hoped - she was? For all he knew she might be sleeping with three other men... Not that she was sleeping with _him_, you couldn't call what they had done that. She had run out on him before they could _sleep_.

He didn't care, he had to know. Taking a deep breath he shoved the door open and marched in, to see Wendy sitting red-eyed on a bench with Jacqui, the ever-watchful companion, beside her handing out Kleenex. The fingerprint tech looked up as Hodges walked in and stopped just inside the door, and looked at Wendy questioningly. Wendy looked at Hodges but wouldn't meet his gaze, then gave a barely discernible nod. Jacqui gave her shoulders a last comforting squeeze and stood up, glaring at Hodges as she went out closing the door behind her.

The two who were left behind looked at one another in silence for an age, fresh tears drying on Wendy's face as she watched the image she held in her mind's eye of Hodges become reality. The sadness she saw in his gaze was immeasurable, underlying insecurities plainly seen even as he hardened his expression.

"Is it true?" he demanded, folding his arms as he stood in the semi-darkness of the room, cold voice echoing round metal lockers.

Wendy flinched and blinked, then clenched her jaw defiantly.

"Is what true?" she inquired blandly, hoping her voice wasn't shaking as much as she was.

Hodges took a deep, steadying breath, making a concerted effort to relax. If he got any more tense he would break. This was important, he needed to draw on what few social skills he had, otherwise he was going to blow this completely. Be tactful, be nice...

"You're pregnant," he replied tersely, and it was not a question.

"You've got a nerve Hodges," she spat, raging hormones lending her spirit suddenly. "You take what you want from me, then ignore me for two months, then the first time you _do _talk to me me you accuse me of being pregnant? Nice."

She felt a nudge of remorse as she saw the look in his eyes flicker uncertainly, but hardened her heart. He had hurt her, so she could hurt him right back.

"Well don't worry," she hissed, "it's not yours."

Hodges felt the cold stab of a knife straight through his heart, coupled with a kick in the guts that felt like it was delivered by a horse. He fell silent and blinked several times, then narrowed his eyes as he realized the lie in hers. He might not be the most intuitive when it came to women, but he had enough experience by now to know a lie when he heard one. Generally it was lies like, _Of course we can still be friends_, and, _you're too good for me_, but a lie was a lie. He sighed defeatedly, giving up the front he was tired of holding on to, and sat down on the bench beside her, leaving her plenty of room. For a moment he railed silently at the unfairness of life and the crap that forever seemed to land at his feet. Why were things always so difficult for him? Why was he always the one who got shit on? He stared down at the floor for a long moment trying to control his anger before turning his head to look at her.

"First you deny me, then you deny my child," he said harshly, digging blunt nails into metal to stop his hands shaking. "Do you really hate me that much Wendy?"

Wendy glanced up sharply as he looked at her, an icy fist clenching around her heart.

"Deny _you_? What do you mean?" she whispered, dreading his reply.

"I heard you," he replied bitterly, sneering as though she disgusted him. She didn't even have the guts to admit it; he had never really known her at all. But it didn't help - he still loved her. "In the break room, how you told them what a pathetic loser I am and how you wouldn't go near me if your life depended on it. Did they find that funny Wendy? Huh? Did you all have a good old laugh at Hodges the loser? Did you?"

He had given up trying to control his anger now, and he was hurting more than he cared to admit even to himself. Wendy felt ashamed. He was a human being, with feelings like the rest of them, and all anyone here ever did, including herself, was make him the butt of lab so-called humor. No one had ever taken the time to get to know him, not really; no one had ever stopped to wonder _why_ he acted the way he did. She should have known better, and she especially should have known better after realizing that she had feelings for him. What did it matter what other people thought or said? They would have gotten used to it, they soon would have found someone else to talk about. And now she had ruined it all with her need to fit in, her fear of what people would think of her.

"You heard that?" she asked in a small voice, for want of anything else to say. Because she didn't know _what _to think, or how she felt. She looked down at her palms, face up on her lap, then risked a sidelong glance at his hands, hands that still sent a shiver through her at the thought of the way he had touched her.

"Yeah, I did," he said, his voice dripping sarcasm.

"I'm sorry..." she looked up at him, but he looked away, as though he couldn't bear to see her.

Frantically she searched for a way to save the situation, to give herself a chance to change his perception of her, because right now it looked as though he hated her, and truth be told she wasn't far wrong. Hate, as they say, is but one tiny step removed from Love.

"I panicked," she began, her voice picking up strength as she carried on. "I didn't want them to think I sleep around. I don't usually do that kind of thing."

"Mm... no," he replied consideringly, still not meeting her gaze. "You said it because it was me. You didn't want them to know you'd slept with _me_."

She fell silent, because what he said was true, and she didn't know what she could say to make things better. Yet more tears fell silently down dirt-streaked cheeks, and she sniffed, causing him to look at her once more.

"I'm so scared..." she said, the first honest thing she had said to him in weeks.

Hodges wavered as her genuinely frightened gaze met his, and he reached out towards her, his heart winning over the little voice for the moment.

"Is it mine?" he asked softly, his hand hovering just above hers, before he lost confidence and let it fall to rest on the bench between them.

She nodded, having followed the movement of his hand she now let her head hang as the tears fell unchecked, and he felt his heart clench in his chest. He could hardly believe he was doing this, that he was actually considering giving her a second chance, when all the other second chances he'd given people always blew straight back in his face. But he knew he was in love with her, and this time it was different. This time there was a child. He studied her face, tilting his head to one side and biting his bottom lip as emotion threatened to overwhelm him. He might be thinking about trying to make things right with her, but he wasn't an idiot; he wasn't about to let her see just how much he cared, and he wasn't about to let her get away with the things she had said about him either. He might be in love with her, but he wasn't going to let himself be used as a doormat again, not ever.

"None of you take me seriously, do you?" he asked, a rhetorical question really because he already knew the answer. "You all think I'm one big joke. I have feelings you know. It hurt to hear you say those things about me. I thought..."

He stopped, aware that his anger was rising again and wondering if it was all really worth it. But thoughts of the new life inside her kept coming back to him, and images of a happy family - all he had ever wanted - began to dance around his mind. He knew she wouldn't want that, knew she wouldn't want to actually be with him in that way, but she could at least let him see the baby. Maybe they could even take the kid out sometimes together. But then again no, she wouldn't want that, that would mean being _seen_ with him. He raised his chin determinedly. He had lost everything now, what did it matter if she laughed at him again?

"That night was the best night of my life," he said, trying but not succeeding to keep his voice from rising in anger, to stop the humiliation he felt from leaking through into his words, "and you turned it into something cheap and sordid, something you made it obvious you just wanted to forget. For your information I never thought you slept around. I thought it was special to you too. Obviously I was wrong."

He spat the last sentence out bitterly, and Wendy felt like a complete bitch. But there was something else there too, a small thrill at catching a glimpse of the real David Hodges again, not the man who hid behind sarcasm and cutting remarks, but the real man, vulnerable and insecure. It reminded her of the way he had been that night, showing real emotion for once, and she felt a strange fluttering in the pit of her stomach as she looked up into his face. That was what he was always lacking - emotion. He always wore a mask, and she had never known what he was really thinking before. But now she was beginning to, and she wasn't about to let him close up again. If what she was beginning to suspect was true, and this thing was going to be worth anything, then it was worth fighting for. There was anger there too, anger at him for taking so long to let his true feelings show, and she thought back to all the little snide remarks and off-hand comments that over the months he had thrown her way.

"I'm sorry," she said now, working up the courage to say what was on her mind. "I didn't know you felt that way. I thought it was just the realization of a fantasy for you. I have feelings too you know. I'm not just some dumb trophy bimbo made up of tits and an ass, which was how you made me feel."

She turned to face him, bottom lip trembling as all her pent up fear and worry flooded out. Her red-rimmed eyes flashed angrily as she faced him down, her voice rising to an accusatory sob.

"All you ever did was pull me down, make fun of me, stare at my chest. You never once just asked me how I was or told me anything real. How am I supposed to know how you feel when you behave like an arrogant asshole all the time?"

She stopped, chest heaving as she studied the look of shock on his face. All she wanted to do was kiss that beautiful sulky mouth, touch the line of his jaw, drown in those sea-blue eyes. What did it matter if people thought she was odd for liking him? They didn't know him like she did, they hadn't caught a glimpse of the man beneath the mask. But her heart was beating wildly in her chest at the thought of what the future might hold. What if she had gotten it all wrong? What if he wasn't saying what she thought he was saying. What if... What if what if what if... She could spend her life thinking about what if; she _had _spent her whole life thinking about what if, and playing it safe. Sooner or later she would have to take a risk, and what better time than now, when her whole life was upside down anyway?

For his part he couldn't believe what she was saying, or what he thought she was saying. He knew he wasn't the world's most demonstrative of people, he played his cards close to his chest, but that was only because he had been hurt so badly, and he didn't want to risk getting hurt again. But she had already hurt him, and wasn't a child worth giving them a chance? And he did love her, nothing could change that.

She was so beautiful when she was angry, face flushed and dark eyes glittering, and he couldn't stop himself reaching up his hand to touch her cheek. She tensed, then leaned into him, closing her eyes and turning her face into his palm, the feel of his skin against hers electrifying. He leaned forward, watching her face closely as he touched his lips to hers. And then he was kissing her, and she kissed him back fiercely, her fear and anger turning instantly to desire. They had that at least, surely they could work on the rest?

Maybe they would be alright, maybe they could work through this. But first she would have to work through her desperate need to fit in, because she had a heck of a lot of making up to do to him. Maybe it wouldn't work, maybe they would end up hating each others guts. Maybe the pressure of having a kid together when they were still getting to know each other would be too much, maybe Hodges would close up again and withdraw back into his shell. Maybe Wendy would realize that playing happy families wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and maybe they would drift apart. An awful lot of maybes, but one definite, and that was that anything worth having was worth the risk - for both of them.

Wrapped in one another's arms as they were, neither one of them noticed the door opening, and neither one of them noticed Greg Sanders' shocked face as he witnessed the scene. But Wendy did see him back out again, closing the door soundlessly before heading off at a run for the break room, and she smiled into Hodges' kiss. Ah well, at least that took care of the telling people part.

FIN... for now.


End file.
